One-liner Words of Wisdom

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand... you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new bike for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're late

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,Disco Barbie19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a cute little key chain made with Ken's testicles.'

House Wife

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

=====================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Once you read this letter you have to keep it going.
This game has been played since 1996. You must send this letter to 7 people.
On the 5th day someone will ask you out or say "I love you."
This is not a joke.

It has worked for many years. If you break the chain, you will have bad luck with guys/girls forever. This is just for future readers. This began in 1996, not much of a past, but it works.
So here are the rules:
If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a good week
If you read this on a Monday, wish for money
If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love
If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success
If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want
If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date
If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call

Send this to seven people (after you make a wish). Make sure it is sent as soon as you read it or your wish won't come true. And check!

stuff to chew on...‏

George Carlin's Views on Aging

      Do you realize that the only time in our lives
when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're
less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging
that you think in fractions.


      "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're
never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half,
going on five!   That's the key.


      You get into your teens, now they can't hold you
back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few
ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could
be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!


      And then the greatest day of your life . . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .
YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!


      But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened
there? Makes you sound like bad milk.  He TURNED; we
had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're just
a sour-dumpling. What's wrong?  What's changed?


      You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING
40.   Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . ... and your dreams
are gone.


      But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't
think you would!  So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40,
REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


      You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete
cycle; you HIT lunch; you

TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end
there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was
JUST 92."


      Then a strange thing happens. If you make it
over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a
half!"


      May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


      HOW TO STAY YOUNG

        1.. Throw out nonessential numbers. This
includes age, weight and height.  Let the doctors worry
about them. That is why you pay them.

        2.. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches
pull you down.

        3.. Keep learning. Learn more about the
computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

        4.. Enjoy the simple things.

        5.. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until
you gasp for breath.

        6.. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move
on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

        7.. Surround yourself with what you love,
Whether it's  family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge 

        8.. Cherish your health: If it is good,
preserve it. If it is  unstable, improve it. If it is
beyond what you can improve, get help.

        9.. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but
NOT to where the guilt is.

        10.. Tell the people you love that you love
them, at  every opportunity.



      AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:


      Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

      And if you don't send this to at least 8 people
- who cares?

      But do share this with someone. We all need to
live life to its fullest each day.

Can women and men be close friends?‏

this is an article written by a female.  what do you think?



My fella says no, (especially now that we're no longer "friends").
My dad has always said no. My brothers back him on that.

But all these men would have liked to see me single and
living in a nunnery until I was 25 and getting married,
 and I can hardly take
their word as gospel.

So I sent the question into cyberspace and, since
everyone ponders this question every once in a
while, enough responses came in to totally muddle
 and confuse what one girl called this "difficult
and unanswerable query."

From the "Yes" side, the female responses:


"I really think that men and women can be only
"friends" when one or both are attached. If both
 are single the thought "we're both single, we're
such good friends, why aren't we together" will always
 be there."

"I think that it is possible if they grew up together
and think  of each other as brother and sister. Or
if one or both are gay  and neither is attracted
to the other."

"Women and men can be friends, but that can be a
bad thing. A couple,  usually married, lose
romantic interest in the other and become ...\
companions. Comfortable, but the spark is missing."

"Yes - as long as there's no sex involved."

"Women can consider a guy a friend but I don't
think it works the same from the guy's perspective.
 I think there's an attraction on
his end (even if it's a mild one)!"

"It is possible to be friends after an "encounter"
is out of their  systems."

The male responses:


"Yes. I believe it's called homosexuality."

"Yes. But only if both parties are single. As
a single man, I had  loads of female friends."

"Only with the uggers (ugly ones)."

"Sure you can when you're 25 and single, but when
you're older and married, don't make a big thing
about it around your spouse."

"So long as neither is physically attracted to
the other. Because of the way men are, they respect
 a woman more if she doesn't sleep with  them. Watch
what happens when a man and woman are friends and then
have sex. The man feels uncomfortable around her and so
distances  himself from that friendship."

The "No" side from the female perspective:


"If the guy is your ex-boyfriend whom you dated for five months,
talked to about moving in with and having kids, broke up and got
back together with 300 times, it is better never to be friends
again and give up the idea of being friends."

"There's always some sort of sexual tension. Usually one-sided
affections inevitably come to the forefront."

"Men and women can be acquaintances. The end result of a man and
a women developing a friendship will always be sexual."
And the male perspective: Ironically, other than my boyfriend and
male relatives, every other man thinks it's possible to be friends.
Hmm, interesting ...