Life explained....finally!‏

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Marriage Funnies‏

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies : "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

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smart ass answers‏

mart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but
she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied," No ma'am they're dead.


Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day,"
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as
fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his
way without a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it,
the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the
bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas."



#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The
entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

PROVERBS

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any
of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the
question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time
to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as
"dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police
because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the
stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex
jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell
closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and
your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science
Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on
the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good
shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast
time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Now when you fall down, instead of laughs, its
concern.
24. You drink at home to save money before
going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is
pregnant you congratulate them  instead of asking "Oh shit
what the hell are you going to do?"

Men Are Happier People‏

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or
she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.