How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only
needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where
she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Lots of sex
3. Shutup. 

Men are like......

Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but
you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee The best ones are rich, hot and can
keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but
it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And
usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but
at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around
until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but
don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get
soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air,
and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy
to see through.

Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should
always be half off.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like .. cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.

some words on stupid people..

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using
it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking
for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other
sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only
gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

Men

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in
diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You
shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be
able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little
to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they
never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are
the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to
suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental
hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert
for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't
 ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested
in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Good Advice from Bill Gates

Here's some good advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a
high school speech about 11 things they did not and will
not learn in school. He talks about how feel good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of
kids with no concept of reality and how this concept
set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.

Rule 2: The world will not care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of
high school. You won't be vice president with a car
phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait
till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for burger
flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents'
fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as
boring as they are now. They got that way from paying
your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parents' generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and
losers, but life has not.  In some schools, they have
abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many
times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summer off and very few people are interested in helping
you find yourself.  Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.  In real life
people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up
working for one.

Automatic Flatter

Feeling down?

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html