Apples and Wine

APPLES AND WINE

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top
of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead
, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't
as good, but easy.


The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for
the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

He or She?

See if you can tell who is a SHE and who is a HE

http://hemaleorshemale.com/ 

Man BBQing

A BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain
of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.

Here comes the important part.
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another
 beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again...
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO
THE WOMAN.

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauces,and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.

Most important.
10) EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS
COOKING EFFORTS.
11) THE MAN ASKS THE WOMAN HOW SHE ENJOYED "HER NIGHT
OFF." AND, UPON SEEING HER ANNOYED REACTION, CONCLUDES
THAT THERE'S JUST NO PLEASING SOME WOMEN! 

Why, why, why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries  are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there Is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you
Throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?"

Well…
It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer
when we complained about the heat?
 
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE....


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's
you.

Governmentium

A major research institution has announced the discovery

of the heaviest element yet known to science - "governmentium."

It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and

111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These

312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are

further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be

detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into

contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction

that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't

decay but "re-organizes", a process where assistant deputy

neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process

actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become

neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some

speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons

meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in

Governmentium, the more you re-organize, the morass you cover.

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only
needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where
she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Lots of sex
3. Shutup. 

Men are like......

Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but
you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee The best ones are rich, hot and can
keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools They make a lot of noise, but
it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls Simple. Easy to use. And
usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but
at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill They usually just lie around
until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas They're fun to watch, but
don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows Eventually, even the best ones get
soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air,
and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy
to see through.

Men are like ... department stores Their clothes should
always be half off.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like .. cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.