New Policy
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Hormone Hostage
Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
| DANGEROUS: | SAFER: | SAFEST: | ULTRA SAFE: |
| What's for dinner? | Can I help you with dinner? | Where would you like to go for dinner? | Here, have some wine. |
| Are you wearing that? | Wow, you sure look good in brown! | WOW! Look at you! | Here, have some wine |
| What are you so worked up about? | Could we be overreacting? | Here's my paycheck. | Here, have some wine. |
| Should you be eating that? | You know, there are a lot of apples left. | Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? | Here, have some wine. |
| What did you DO all day? | I hope you didn't over-do it today. | I've always loved you in that robe! | Here, have some more wine. |
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
...Or men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!
Santa's Reindeers
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
*WHY GOD MADE MOMS*
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following
questions :
*Why did God make mothers?**
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
*How did God make mothers?**
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
*What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
*Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
*What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
*What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
*Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
*Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
*What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
*What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
*What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
*If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?*
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following
questions :
*Why did God make mothers?**
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
*How did God make mothers?**
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
*What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
*Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
*What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
*What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
*Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
*Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
*What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
*What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
*What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
*If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?*
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
showering - women vs men
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at
your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,
long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair
once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10
minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small
country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size
of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them
off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding
area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because
curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan
on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Bras
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen !!
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen !!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
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